A year ago

One year ago today I was just over 8 weeks pregnant. In early June of '08 we were shocked and thrilled to find out I had gotten pregnant after just one round of Clomid (clomiphene citrate), a fertility drug. We had been trying for 2.5 years at that point to get pregnant. I'd taken a couple of drugs known to help control PCOS symptoms and help women get pregnant, but to no avail. Finally we had managed to navigate through the system at the hospital on post and get up to the OBGYN clinic for some infertility support. I was VERY lucky to respond so quickly to the Clomid and become pregnant without further intervention. We had just started to share the news with more friends and family and we were so excited! Finally, our baby was on his or her way.

However, Wednesday, July 2nd I woke up spotting more than I thought I should be. So I called the OBGYN clinic and the heard nurse suggested I come in if I could make it before Sick Call ended at 10:30. So off we went, and after several hours and two ultrasounds it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat. The baby had stopped growing around six weeks. I was absolutely and utterly devastated. We both were.

What began on Friday, July 4th is not something I'd wish on anyone. It was a horribly painful experience, physically and emotionally and it's still hard for me to put it into words. While I'm grateful nature "took it's course" without medical intervention, if I were to ever receive such news again I would schedule a D&C immediately. Knowing how long it can take for your body to take care of it on it's own, I couldn't imagine walking around for two weeks waiting. I was grateful that it was a long weekend so Charles was home with me and could bring me food and lots of DVDs to distract me. I'm pretty sure we watched the entire 3rd season of Weeds in 24 hours.

I've read conflicting statistics, but at least 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, some places I've seen that estimated as high as 50%. Many women may miscarry with a chemical pregnancy, which occurs often before they even realize they were pregnant and may just seem like a regular cycle to them. But if you are going through infertility treatments, you are taking that test as soon as possible, sometimes even sooner! This is partly why the statistics for women with infertility problems often are higher. One of my online friends experienced 15 miscarriages before finally having three beautiful babies. I cannot even imagine. When you have waited and waited and tried for as long as many women have, to go from the high of a positive test to the devastating news that your baby has no heartbeat or your hCG levels are dropping is just devastating. (This is not to say that a miscarriage for someone not experiencing any fertility treatments is any less painful, I'm certain it is not).

Quite possibly my blood flow issues/clotting disorder may have contributed to this first miscarriage, we will never know and when we are ready to try to have another baby the doctor has some treatments she will give me to hopefully prevent any problems.

I don't really have a specific point in sharing this with the Internet, other than just to do just that: share. We have been fairly open for a while about our struggles and I think I do so in large part because when we began this journey we knew practically no one who had difficulty getting pregnant, or who had experienced a miscarriage. It gave me comfort to talk to others eventually who had been through it. And, in the last several months I've had friends notice my link to the PCOSA on my facebook page or somehow find out what our story was and they wanted to ask questions and share their infertility struggles. And if I can do that for them, that makes me glad because I'm thankful for those who shared with me. Everytime I see a new post on the PCOS community board for pregnancy loss, or everytime I hear about someone who has gone through a miscarriage, my heart hurts for them.

In the end, we have a beautiful and healthy baby girl to show for it. Would I change it? Of course I would. I'd rather it no have been this way. But I cannot look back and have regrets or wish things could have been differently because that's not the way it works. What can do is be grateful for the end result and the doctors and nurses, not to mention supportive friends and family who helped us get to this point.

This July 4th we're going to take Emmy to the lake and celebrate and make new memories with her, ever mindful of how blessed we are to have her with us!