Where we are

Or where I am at least. Sorry folks, I've slacked more on giving you the good stuff you are looking for: fun pictures! Emmy stories! There are plenty of those to share and I promise I'll eventually get around to giving you that.  Coming back here to write is proving harder than I thought.  I'm also lazy and getting pictures edited and formatted can be a tedious process, especially when you're as behind as I am, so bear with me!

We have had a busy fall with visitors, which was tons of fun, and lots of yardwork and house projects.  We had a party for Charles' shop this past weekend so we had a big crowd of Soldiers and family members over.  People stayed well past the official end time so I'd say it was a success. It's the first big to-do we've thrown here, besides Emmy's birthday party. And now Thanksgiving is just around the corner and we'll have more family coming to visit for a few days to celebrate with us, which will be great. Charles loves to entertain almost as much as I do, and we enjoy getting things all ready together. Well, maybe not the cleaning part of getting ready, hehe.

But I'm feeling sort of stuck. A failed fertility cycle after weeks of doing all the "right" things to get myself healthier, physically and mentally. There are lots of new babies and pregnancy announcements in my Facebook feed. And I'm mad, I shouldn't be here, dealing with fertility drugs and such. I should be done. I don't want to want to be pregnant again. I want my baby here now. I want to know what she would have liked, how she would have slept, when she would have smiled. I feel like I'm seeing broken pieces that I was able to ignore for awhile and so it sometimes feels so freshly overwhelming.  All Saints was emotional. And now Christmas looms, and I'm excited to decorate this year and Emmy will have a ball, but baby's first Christmas ornaments and such will be on my mind. Santa should have two little girls to shop for this year.

I'm not wallowing in it, don't get me wrong. But it's not something you just get over.  I miscarried before Emmy and that was hard, oh man that was hard. I would never diminish anyone's pain from any sort of loss, but I'm telling you for me this is different.  Everyone processes differently, I know that, but this was not a miscarriage. I suppose medically speaking it is classified as such, but this was a baby I held, I felt move for weeks and weeks. I could already make guesses about her personality just based off how she acted and reacted. I think it is easier for me to accept with the early loss that something was wrong, the pregnancy and the baby would not have been healthy and able to continue.  I still think about that loss around the time it happened, and around the time the baby should have been due (and plenty of other times).  That piece of me will always be missing, but this time, a huge piece of me is gone, and other pieces are still broken.  And losses on top of infertility, well just go ahead and kick me while I'm down.

And, there are surely moments of grace. Emmy talks about SH from time to time, more frequently lately. Maybe she's just now able to identify those broken pieces in her, too. Instead of laughing when I cry now she kisses me, tells me it'll be ok.  I've been asked to share my story for the new edition of the Hypnobirthing book by the founder, Marie Mongan. I firmly believe that my Hypnobirthing training helped make SH's arrival into this world as peaceful and blessed as it was, and if my story can help someone else, then I'm all for advocating for what I believe in.  The wonderful nurse who took care of me those two days in the hospital just found the blog and commented that it impacted her greatly, and that means so much to us.  We were very lucky to have such great, compassionate care. Every mother should be so lucky to have her wishes respected during labor and delivery like mine were.

SH's tree will also be planted this month.  Charles' Soldiers collected money after her birth to plant a tree in her memory, in the location of our choosing.  It took us some time to be ready to deal with that, but finally we decided to inquire about having one planted at Wofford. It seems a logical place since it carries meaning for both of us and it is already a national arboretum.  The cost was going to be higher than we'd anticipated, and while we weren't sure how much they had collected, we knew it wouldn't touch was was needed, but we were committed and knew we'd just pay the difference.  Some of our friends found out about it and an email started circulating.  Within a a few days the full amount had been sent in to the college on our behalf. What a gracious, touching gesture this has been from people very dear to us, and from the Soldiers who support Charles.

So here we are. Probably not the update you came looking for, but an honest one. We are all ok, still struggling and aching along, but perhaps with less of a limp now.  Thanks for all your prayers and support. And wish wish each of you love and joy in Thanksgiving.